One of the definitions of the word embrace is: accept or support (a belief, theory, or change) willingly and enthusiastically. These are a few thoughts on motherhood and how I am embracing it in my life or rather how it is embracing me.
We found out we were pregnant the day after getting home from a celebratory weekend honoring our one year anniversary. We stayed at a local historic hotel and ventured around the downtown/uptown area of our city. We went out to eat, walked, adventured, and even went on a brewery tour (perfect timing eh?;) to reminisce our first year in this crazy, wonderful sacrament. It was an absolutely perfect weekend and I think about it often.
But that weekend I was feeling a little funny, and the day we were leaving the hotel I knew something was wrong. We ventured down to the hotel restaurant to grab a bite before checking out. When I looked at my delicious breakfast that consisted of the two largest pieces of bacon I have ever laid eyes on (bacon is by far my favorite food group, close runners up are chocolate and diet coke, you can call me the queen of healthy)…and I couldn’t stand the thought of eating them. Let the red flags abound!
We had been talking about starting our family all summer and we were both open to the opportunity of a new life within the coming year. We thought it would be the perfect time – financially, emotionally, physically – we were as “ready” to enter into parenthood as we would ever be so…we went for it.
After tossing my beloved (yet at the time disgusting) bacon aside and finishing up breakfast we drove home. When we walked back into our little apartment, I had this tugging at my heart telling me I needed to take a pregnancy test. However, being the paranoid newly wed that I was I had a pretty good stockpile going because every month I just KNEW I was pregnant. As Eric was unloading the car I popped into the bathroom and humbled myself to the little stick. This time the feeling felt different. It wasn’t the. “I think I am, I think I am, I think I am…but I know I’m really not.” It was, “I don’t know if I am…what if I am? Is this it?”
So then I did it. I took the test. Turned it over so I wouldn’t peek and waited for what really was the longest 3 minutes of my life. I heard Eric come into our room while I was waiting and I just knew he was probably suspicious of what I was doing because I had been in there for an eternity (re: 1.5 minutes had passed by).
Then what do you know…an extra little blue line that had never been on any test I had taken before. Happy Anniversary mom and dad!
After I took 1 more test (I mean ClearBlue is pretty much fool proof – there are no lines to decode just prego or no) I came out of the bathroom to find Eric laying on our bed looking at his phone. Because of our recent baby talk I of course had been scheming of really obnoxiously cute and adorable ways to tell him there was a little resident in my womb – when the day came. Little did I know that my overly compulsive, word vommitting self would just not have cute and adorable that day because I blurted it out then and there that we had ourselves an anniversary present!
Those first few days, scheduling a doctors appointment, confirming the little blue lines, it was all so full of love and emotion and dear lord was it full of hormones. I just remember thinking – do I want this? yes. do I want this? I don’t know. can I handle this? absolutely not. do I want this? yes.
So here I am…on the verge of 31 weeks and still asking myself if I can handle this but my heart wants nothing more. There are days where I know my soul embraces motherhood full force, thinking about nothing else but the excitement I feel when I think about this girl. But there are days where I think… I can’t do this. I’m so young. What were we thinking? If I’m being completely honest with myself (and who ever deems this blog worthy reading material) today was a day that fell with the latter sentiment. After finishing up our birth and childcare class last night I left thinking – what. am. I. DOING? I can’t even swaddle a baby! How am I going to keep this tiny person alive for more than an hour by myself? How am I going to work and mother at the same time? Baby poop has the most variations of poops I have ever seen! Feeding times! Sleep times! Trying to get sleep yourself! HOLY. COW.
It’s days like today where I like thinking about the day I found out we were pregnant. A day where nothing else mattered but the love between God and my husband and me. A day that had it’s doubts and worries but above all else it was the day where I had to truly start embracing this whole mom thing…and to think, it’s only the beginning.