I think the title gives enough explanation as to what has been going on over in our neck of the woods lately. We have been house hunting for almost a month now and man, I knew it would be tough…but I think in terms of the emotions that come with finding a house that the word tough is a understatement. I am going to start this with a disclaimer that I am fully aware of my overly sensitive nature and that the combination of looking at house after house and being repeatedly disappointed in conjunction with my ever emotional self is starting to take it’s toll. I’m sure I am not alone in my sentiments of wanting a house search to be over (it could have been over on our first day of hunting and that would have been fine with me!), but I am not so sure that it is normal for me to be feeling so DONE after only ONE month.
Everyone I have talked to has warned me about how terrible the search can be – with a few exceptions of those who truly did enjoy the process. I was really hoping to be a member of the latter and envisioned Eric and I looking at a handful of houses and finding an adorable abode in no time. Honestly, thinking about how naive that sentence is makes me a little sick to my stomach considering the past few weeks. I feel like we have seen a little bit of everything from scary houses that do NOT match the listing description (note to self: if the seller hasn’t posted any pictures, it’s probably for a good [ugly] reason) to completely wood paneled living rooms (and bathrooms, and bedrooms, and…every room), to homes that we could imagine actually living in and planning future weekend projects together.
The last one was a kicker. Two weeks ago, after a crazy weekend filled with family and other non-related house hunting events we ended up putting an offer on a house; the first house that we BOTH loved – only to be turned down a few (excruciatingly long) days later. It really hurt and it took me a couple days to get back in the saddle and even browse through new listings from our agent. But of course, with struggle and sacrifice come the greatest of life lessons and I can honestly say that these past few weeks, while tough, have been yet another much needed lesson in humility.
Humility. Oh, how I wish this were not a lesson I had to learn over and over and over again. I feel like I am constantly needing a reminder from Him that I am not the most important. I do not know what I really need in this life. I need to trust more. Be more willing to go with the flow and live the life that has been so greatly provided for me. I’m not always going to get what I want, especially when it’s not what He wants for me or our family right now. I know that years down the road I will look back and know why we didn’t get that house, but right now it’s hard to think about it too long. My heart was in it. I really wanted it, and I think it’s ok to admit I am more than a little hurt by this process and what we have had to deal with lately. But if I am being completely honest, this is not the first time I have felt this way.
I can remember numerous times in my short life getting way too emotionally invested for my own good. Whether it be something I wanted, a friendship, or a relationship. I’ve never been afraid to jump the gun emotionally and start investing more of myself before the time is right. And time and time again, God humbles me and tells me to be more careful with my heart. To really consider what is going on and to give it prayerful thought and anticipation. Rather than be heartbroken repeatedly. How human of me but how perfectly does it exemplify my relationship with God. I need him and He wants me to realize it – if only I realized it more regularly and without the need for these big lessons.
I know that the perfect home is out there for our family. We aren’t looking for our forever home, we aren’t looking for absolute perfection, we are looking for a place to grow and learn in love. To make friends and family feel welcome and to live this abundant life. Although, as I keep thinking about our search and what we have endured thus far – I realize that we don’t need a house to have all of this. I already have it in my heart.
“His dwelling shall be glorious.” IS 11:10
Photo by Kate Love Photography