I guess technically that this post should be entitled “the woman in the mirror” but then my Michael Jackson lyric-inspired title wouldn’t sound nearly as awesome so we’ll keep it as is (and I’m just going to leave the link to the music video right here, you’re welcome;).
Lately, I have been feeling a little crisis-of-faith/identity-crisis-y. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way this past year or ever in my life for that matter. I think I can say that we have all felt lost at times and continue to ask God for guidance and direction in our lives when we feel at a loss. Especially in this world where we are so driven by labels and associating ourselves with certain groups, it’s easy to get lost in the shuffle and really want to cling to a certain identity. The feelings and stress of all of the thoughts and emotions always sneak up on me and leave me mulling over all of them for longer than I would really like. It’s just that lately, I’m not sure what I want. I’m not entirely sure what God wants. Out of the two wills, I usually have a hint of knowledge towards at least one of them – God’s or mine. But right now? Neither, and it is frustrating, concerning, saddening, maddening, and irritating all at once.
For so long I have have followed these little standard benchmark points in life. In high school you are just trying to make it to graduation. In college, you are not only trying to make it to graduation but then you are either looking for a job, or applying for graduate programs. Then after college (at least for me) there was surviving that first year post graduation and in the big, real world. Then after that you are trying to meet certain timelines to achieve different opportunities within your career. And that is only the professional/education side of life. Personally speaking, you date someone for a while, then you get engaged. You wait and plan to get married. Then you’re married, you wait and plan and then you have kids. You’re pregnant, you wait and plan and then you go into labor. Then you’re a parent and you discern more children and start planning your children’s little standard benchmark timeline, etc. etc. Then last year I decided that I would at least stay home for a year. I would give being at home a chance and I would make the sacrifice. Well, we’re here. I made it and I’m not entirely sure what is next.
As much as I denied it, and didn’t want to give in to His plan, I knew I was supposed to stay home this year. It was by far the best choice for our family and honestly, my mental sanity as well. I needed the “break” and the distance from the classroom to figure out some things and devote this special time to my family. What am I supposed to do now? I have been praying this prayer for weeks now and I feel like nothing is resulting from my unending pleas (although it probably is and I’m just to human to realize it, yadda yadda). I always think that I am experiencing all of these feelings myself but it’s been made apparent that I’m not because I have read two different blog posts about similar subjects this week. (Which can be found here and here.) It’s been reassuring to know that other women doubt themselves in motherhood or feel the same daily struggle as I do. Honestly, reading their words this week could not have been better timed and I’m so thankful for the blogging community and the women who are so openly sharing their hearts.
Yet, I’m still left here thinking. Who am I? What am I doing with my life? What am I SUPPOSED to be doing with my life? I know that I am supposed to be home in some capacity. I need to be here for my family and my girl. I can say that much has been such a huge blessing (whether or not I recognize it on the daily) and for right now this is where I need to be. But I want more. I want to pursue more and I’m just not sure what to pursue. Am I supposed to look for additional part-time work? Am I supposed to pursue some sort of creative endeavor? (This question usually stems off into the internal debate that would be starting a creative business of some sort – what would I do? what am I good at? everyone is already doing everything on Etsy right now and I would get lost in the shuffle so why even bother, etc.) Am I supposed to continue to haphazardly blog whenever nap time allows? Or am I supposed to invest more time here and grow through my writing? Or am I supposed to shut it down all together and accept that I am exactly where I need to be and stop asking questions? But then why would God place these desires for more in my heart…
Are you exhausted reading through all of this yet? I am and not only am I writing about it (and rereading it after I’ve written) but it feels like I have been constantly bouncing all of those opposing thoughts off the walls of my brain to only come back to the same starting point… what is God’s will for my life right now?
I guess I will have to keep pondering upon that. I hope you’ll pray for me and I’m praying for you all too. Like I said before, this community of women, blogging, sharing their souls for the world… it’s not going unnoticed or unappreciated because my (wo)man in the mirror, who is struggling and searching right now, appreciates it more than you probably know.
Happy Tuesday, y’all.